I’m standing outside a small town pub somewhere in Wales. I’m not quite sure where I am exactly, what this quiet town is called or how to pronounce it, only that I drove across the Severn Bridge and through a military ammunition testing site to get here. Oh, and that it’s been raining since I arrived a day ago, even though it’s June. In fact, it looks like it’s been raining here forever, as if it’s the kind of place that lives permanently under a soggy grey blanket. The reason I’m here on a soaking wet Saturday morning is that, along with around 700 other runners, I’m about to race 50 horses over a 23-mile course of rugged trails and testing climbs. A race dreamed up over a pint in the pub we’re all huddling in front of, there’s something brilliantly foolhardy and British about what we’re about to do. Here’s what it’s like taking on the beasts at the Whole Earth Man v Horse.
You will feel over-dressed
Looking around on the start line in my waterproof jacket, hat, gloves and full body base layers, I realise I’m wearing more material than almost all the other Whole Earth Man v Horse runners put together. Surrounding me is a sea of vests, split shorts, and sinewy limbs slowly turning blue in the freezing rain. It’s a bit like when you compare old footage of footballers in the Sixties and Seventies versus the mollycoddled stars of today. On the air there’s a distinct smell of Deep Heat. I realise quickly that I’m up against men and women who are made from stronger stuff. That makes me wonder what awaits us out there and suddenly I’m more worried about completing the course than I am about beating the horse.
The Whole Earth Man v Horse is not really a fair race
To give the bipeds a chance, the horses set off 15 minutes later. They also run a slightly different course due to the fact there are sections that are either too difficult for the horses or too narrow to safely have runners and riders coming together. The idea is that over the 23 miles, there’s enough terrain to challenge the equine contingent sufficiently to give the runners a shot at coming out on top.
In reality, any advantage us humans have is eaten up in double quick time. It took about seven minutes for the first horse to pass us. That’s why it took 25 years before a runner finally beat all the horses and a human has only ever won on two occasions. The first was in 2004, when Huw Lobb won in 2hrs and 5mins, beating the fastest horse by 2 minutes. Huw’s feat was repeated three years later by Florien Holtinger, but the horse has remained unbeaten since.
You’ll realise why the cavalry was such a big thing in Ye Olde Battles
I’m a little afraid of horses. Ever since my sister plonked me on the back of a big one at the age of five I’ve been a bit wary. So I can safely say that I’ve never found myself in the position of being hunted down by a load of them. From the start of the race you’re aware they’re coming but it’s not until you hear the thundering hooves behind you, accompanied by the rider’s battle cry of ‘Horse’, that you begin to understand the full force of these animals. As they speed up on you, you can’t help but realise how rubbish it would have been being an infantryman when the cavalry charged. Three words: not a chance.
Overtaking a horse is more scary than being overtaken by a horse
That said, there’s only one thing that’s more scary than being run down by a horse and that’s trying to pass one on a narrow trail. In life, there are a few things we learn at an early age. Don’t put baked beans in your brother’s ears, don’t go near the fire and never get caught round the back end of a horse. Everyone knows that’s the fast track to getting your face smashed in.
So when about seven miles in, the Whole Earth Man v Horse course narrows to a tiny trail, with just about enough room for two people to walk side by side – and not enough room for a horse to run – you’re presented with a dilemma. This is your chance to press the human advantage and overtake a four-legger, but in order to do so you have to unlearn all those wise teachings and get dangerously close to a horse’s hind bits. Those four steps as you squeeze past are frankly terrifying.
You won’t beat all the horses but you might beat some
Just as there are fast runners and slow runners, in the 50-strong field of horse and riders, there’s a mix of the speedy and the not-so-speedy. Unless you’re Kilian Jornet or a World Champion fell runner, chances are you’re not going to beat the winning horse but you’ve at least got a shot at finishing before a few of the old knackers. The slowest horse in 2017 took more than six hours to complete the 23 miles, so there’s some hope for us two-leggers.
This is not a Fun Run
It’s easy to dismiss Man v Horse as a novelty race and there’s definitely a rock-up-and-run attitude which makes it quite special. But don’t be fooled, this isn’t a Fun Run. This is a fairly serious trail run with technical terrain and steep climbs that wouldn’t be out of place on a mountain marathon. Granted, the climbs aren’t quite as long and you’re not reaching troubling altitudes but you do face the kind of conditions underfoot that you’d get in the Marathon du Mont Blanc or sections of the Lavaredo Ultra Trail.
But it is a fun run
As tough as it is, it’s also brilliant fun. Whatever this part of Wales is called, it’s absolutely amazing for off-road running, dare I say it particularly in the rain. There’s scenery that feels like your eyes are inhaling a green smoothie, streaming goodness directly into your brain, and there’s every different kind of mud you can imagine. The ups are brutal but make you feel invincible once you hit the top, and the downs offer as much free-wheeling fun as you want. Put it on your bucket list.
Want to run Whole Earth Man v Horse?
Whole Earth Man v Horse Marathon: Entry, course and everything you need to know
